The Secret Admirer
by LadySirius32158
Summary: Remus has a secret admirer and it's killing Sirius!
1. The Mystery Begins

TITLE: Secret Admirer

AUTHOR: Lady Sirius

PAIRING: RL/SB

RATING: NC17

FEEDBACK: Of course all rights to Harry Potter belong to JK Rowling

- I only wish that Sirius and Remus were mine, other than in my heart!

DEDICATION: To my glorious, talented, wondrous and everlastingly sexy

inspiration - Gary Oldman - and to my Remus - Amber - for whose friendship and devotion I shall be everlastingly grateful.

Secret Admirer

Chapter One - The Mystery Begins

The first note coincided with the first day of school, interestingly enough. It was sat upon Remus' bed, there in the fifth year Gryffindor boys' dorm, just waiting for him when he, and the rest of the Marauders, piled in, bumble tumble, baggage and all, laughing and giggling at being reunited once again, and ready for a fresh year of mischief and mayhem. "What's this then?" Remus wondered, picking up the small piece of parchment. He unfolded it curiously and as he read he began to blush.

"What is it, Remus, got a secret admirer?" James teased him, which produced an answering snicker from Peter. But Sirius was silent, feeling a sharp pain suddenly attack him in the immediate vicinity of his heart. Just why that was, he couldn't say. And he didn't stop to analyse it. But he knew it hurt. "Read it aloud, share with us, laddie," James encouraged him, and when Remus would attempt to push the missive out of sight, the taller boy grabbed for it, and although Remus struggled, he became distracted when James tickled him and took it, and began to read...

i "Dear Remus, I've liked you for a long time, but I haven't had the nerve to tell you before. Until now. I think you are very sweet and very sexy. I hope we have a lot of classes together.

(signed) Your Secret Admirer" /i 

"Remus has a secret admirer!" James whooped, and Peter echoed with shrill titters. Remus blushed and stuttered, taking the letter back and stuffing it under his pillow - the first place he could think of. Only Sirius remained silent. Until it finally became obvious to the rest of them that he alone had said nothing, had not teased their friend about this new development in his heretofore nonexistent lovelife.

"C'mon, Sirius, say something - you know you want to," James prodded him, while Peter stared at him as if he had a strange fungal growth upon his chin, and Remus seemed to be paying no attention to any of them - perhaps caught up in wonder at the letter? Sirius petulantly threw himself upon his bed, turning away from them, growling.

"No, I don't," the pouty puppy barked. And the others knew better than to try to reason with him when he was like this and they simply tiptoed away, leaving him to his sulks. Which Remus didn't understand. Neither did Sirius, for that matter. He had waited all this time for the chance to tell Remus how he felt about him, how much he cared about him, and wanted to be with him. And here some unknown illiterate twit had stolen his thunder, and was making moves upon _his_ wouldbe boyfriend? It was unbearable, it was unthinkable - and when he found out who the bitch was - what would he do? What could he do? Nothing, and he knew it, stifling a moan. Nothing other than to hope that it was a joke - a cruel and senseless joke - not to be repeated.

While Remus gazed at the silent form and wished that it were Sirius that had written the letter - that Sirius could possibly feel the same way about him that he felt about Sirius - for he had fallen in love with him the moment he saw him, four long years ago. Even though he was too young to put a name to it then, he felt it. And now he knew it for what it was - he, and the wolf, were in love with Sirius Black, and no one else would ever do in his lifetime. But he was sure that Sirius didn't feel the same way - and the knowledge was killing him.

The next day at breakfast, all that James and Peter could seem to talk about was the mysterious note and Remus' secret admirer, although Remus himself seemed very uninterested in the subject and Sirius had not a word or thought to spare for it - none that he cared to share, that is. Neither one ate very much, and it was almost with a sense of relief that they went to their first classes. Although it didn't help when James commented that the person must be a Gryffindor to be in so many of Remus' classes, which kept Sirius watching him like a hawk all day to see who else was watching him. Or dared to speak with him. But there was no one, and pretty soon the newness of it faded away, and life at Hogwarts went on the way it always did.

There wasn't another note until Halloween, by which time the first one had been forgotten - or at least had ceased to be a topic for discussion. Sirius remembered, of course. He couldn't remember which assignments he should be doing for History of Magic, but he remembered every last word in that blasted note. Remus found the second note nestled inside his DADA textbook, when he was gathering his things together to study.

i "Dear Remus, Being back at school with you is wonderful. You're always so thoughtful of your friends. Hope classes are going well for you too. Happy Halloween, and I'll be thinking of you tonight. And dreaming of you as well...

(signed) Your Secret Admirer

Sirius had grabbed the note from Remus' hands before the other boy had had a chance to make heads or tails of its contents, read it and threw it back in disgust, before stomping out of the dorm, very disgruntled, leaving a confused Remus in his wake. And a laughing James (and of course Peter, who copied everything that the other did).

"Go on, go after him," James urged him, "tell him to quit being such a git. And remind him we have quidditch practice tonight..."

Remus raced down the stairs, letter clutched tightly in his grip, dashing into the common room, narrowly missing a first year that had sprawled out there to read. But there was no sign of Sirius there, just a sedate Lily Evans seated before the fire, a book upon her lap and several more spread out around her. She glanced up at his entrance. "I'm afraid Sirius just ran out, if you're looking for him. Probably gone to the astronomy tower, if I had to guess. He seemed upset."

Remus shrugged, as if it were of no great importance to him where the boy had gone, his heart beating irregularly within his breast, as he threw himself sullenly into the chair beside Lily's. He handed her the note in silence, waiting while she digested it. Unlike James and Peter, she did not laugh, for she had more common sense than they did (which wasn't hard to do).

"Ah," she said, nodding as she read, "that explains a great deal..."

"It explains nothing," Remus muttered, taking the damnable letter back into his hands before tossing it directly onto the blazing fire, where it was quickly eliminated, with little fanfare. i Good riddance /i he thought to himself.

"I think Sirius is jealous," Lily explained, glancing warmly at her friend and fellow prefect.

"Sirius? Jealous? Of what? And why?" Remus bluffed, although he knew what she meant, he just didn't believe it for a moment.

"Of you," she continued smoothly, "I think that Sirius likes you, and is jealous of this secret admirer."

"Of course Sirius likes me, we're friends," Remus didn't meet the redhead's eyes, staring instead into the dancing flames. "You know that. All four of us. Best friends."

"I think he likes you as more than a friend," Lily said softly, "and I think you like him too. Am I wrong?"

Remus' breath caught in his throat as he gazed at the girl, dismayed. Was he so very transparent then? He averted his eyes quickly, lest he betray himself.

"Remus?" Lily said, and he felt her gentle hand upon his arm. But fate intervened at that moment, in the guise of James Potter and Peter Pettigrew. James came jumping down the stairs making a noise reminiscent of a howler monkey, landing in the middle of the room with a flourish and a bow, Peter imitating him, but poorly. Lily's attention was distracted long enough for Remus to rush out of the common room, cheeks aflame. For some reason his feet were directing him toward the Astronomy Tower though. Almost against his will. Maybe she was right, maybe Sirius really did like him, and maybe, just maybe...

...his heart gave a major lurch when he spied the two figures, standing at the base of the Tower, almost appearing to be one they were so close. Had they not been moving, Remus would never have known they were two. And then the clouds parted just a tad, enough for the light to make their identities visible, and to his great dismay, he recognized Sirius - in the arms of some blonde. He couldn't tell who it was, not from the back of her head. But what did it matter. Their mouths were clearly meshed, and their bodies were entangled.

Remus thought he was going to die that very moment - in fact, he wished he could. How very wrong Lily had been. Sirius very obviously cared nothing for him, and here was the evidence. Hot tears scalded his eyes as he turned about and blindly made his way back to the dorm, away from everyone and everything, where he crawled into his bed and hid, drawing the drapes against the world, and sobbing his heart out silently into the night. Had he stayed a moment longer, though, he might have seen the two figures separate...

"Marlene, what the bloody hell?" Sirius yelped, pushing the girl away from him. He had been on his way into the Tower when she had waylaid him and taken him in the liplock which Remus had witnessed - and misunderstood.

"Sirius, don't make that noise, you sound like a dog," the girl chastised him, attempting to bring him back into her clutches. But he would have none of it.

"Stop it," he said in obvious annoyance. "What's got into you? Did someone douse you with love potion or something? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Sirius, I just wanted to kiss you, you sexy thing you." Marlene McKinnon began to pout. "You're the hottest guy in the school, you know. Very sexy."

Sirius blushed at her words, even as he wiped the memory of her kiss from his lips with the back of his hand. "Well, thanks anyway," he mumbled. The only good thing that had come of their encounter was it had temporarily distracted his attention from the note. The new note Remus had received. Dammit. And it had also proven to him that girls' kisses did nothing for him. But then he had suspected that for some time. He'd kissed a few, and never found them to be very interesting. On the other hand, simply thinking of Remus made him warm all over, not to mention very hard. A reaction he had tested more than a few times, in the privacy of the shower, or in his bed. And oh Merlin, how well Remus was built! The glimpses he had gotten of him as they dressed more than proved that. He was hard put not to be caught staring at the size of his huge member. Must be the werewolf thing, he decided.

Dammit, he wished he hadn't gone down that road. And he must be giving off pheremones, cause Marlene was still standing there, her attention now riveted on the southerly portion of his frame. Merlin, she probably thought she caused it, he groaned.

"I can help you with that," she offered gently. He almost gagged at her words.

"Um, thanks, but ...um...I gotta go," and before she could recover what little wits she possessed, he had fled the scene, back to the dorm. Maybe he should talk to Remus. Maybe Remus liked him in some way. Maybe...

But when he reached the dorm, he saw that Remus was shut up for the night, and he realized he was just indulging in wishful thinking. And he lay awake in his bed, wondering if Remus was dreaming of his secret admirer.


	2. The Mystery Deepens

TITLE: Secret Admirer

AUTHOR: Lady Sirius

PAIRING: RL/SB

RATING: NC17

FEEDBACK: Of course all rights to Harry Potter belong to JK Rowling

- I only wish that Sirius and Remus were mine, other than in my heart!

DEDICATION: To my glorious, talented, wondrous and everlastingly sexy

inspiration - Gary Oldman - and to my Remus - Amber - for whose friendship and devotion I shall be everlastingly grateful.

Secret Admirer

Chapter Two - The Mystery Deepens

Following his close encounter of the worst kind with Marlene McKinnon at the Astronomy Tower, Sirius Black found himself to be the most sought after male in all of Hogwarts. Not that he hadn't been greatly admired before, but now they were far more open in their admiration and adoration. Word had somehow spread throughout the witching community - via that secretive and mysterious form of feminine communication that defied description - of his marvelous lips and wonderful kissing abilities, and now they dogged his every step, whenever he step foot outside of Gryffindor Tower - trailing him between classes, and to meals, and they even followed him to quidditch practice, gathering in giggling gaggles on the quidditch field itself, which his teammates found to be quite annoying as well as distracting (and of course not a few of them were jealous that they could not rate such attention from the fair sex themselves). James just laughed if off - caught up as he was in his intense admiration of one Miss Lily Evans, and oblivious to the rest of the female world. Remus bit his lip and said nothing, and often ended up leaving the field in dismay - if he had to watch one more girl touch i his /i Sirius, he wouldn't be able to control the wolf within who wished to do nothing more than claim its mate. And Sirius, even as he tried to be diplomatic and not simply tell the female population of Hogwarts to sod off, watched him go with saddened eyes and a heavy heart.

As Christmas approached, the focus of the school became the upcoming Yule Ball - what would the theme be and who would go with who? And particularly, which lucky girl would be invited to go by the school's leading Lothario, Sirius Black? A question which interested Sirius not at all, as he had no wish to go with any of them, not to mention that the object of his fancy was out of the question, being not only his best friend but male as well. To his knowledge, there had never been a same sex couple at any of the school's social events - and it didn't look like he and Remus would ever be the first...Morosely he watched James in his half-hearted half-assed courting of the redheaded Gryffindor, although to him she appeared to be rather disinterested at best. But then again he never pretended to have any great understanding of women. And he was jealous of the time that she was spending with Remus. They were altogether too chummy for his taste. Could she possibly be the lycanthrope's secret admirer? That was a depressing thought indeed.

It was a few weeks before Christmas hols. The four friends were comfortably ensconced in the Common Room, studying together. Well, they each had their books open. As to how much actual studying was being accomplished is another matter entirely. Peter was actually thinking about sneaking down to the kitchen for a late snack to still the rumbling in his tummy. James was wondering if he risked suffering another turndown from Lily by asking her to the Yule Ball, and worrying that perhaps someone had beaten him to it already. He hadn't heard that to be the case, but that didn't stop him from worrying, all the same. Remus was attempting to memorize the proper ingredients for making doxycide - not that he thought he would ever actually need to know it, it seemed to him to be rather superfluous knowledge. But it was required, and being the studious chap that he was he was determined to learn it. He sat upon the large sofa, flanked by James and Peter, a thought-frown creasing his noble brow. But something was disturbing him; he had the eeriest feeling that he was being watched. Surreptitious glances from the corner of each eye affirmed that neither James nor Peter was glancing in his direction. Which left...

...he looked toward one of the chairs that sat before the fire, the one that had been claimed by the fourth member of the group. But as soon as he looked up, Sirius quickly cast his eyes down upon the book in his lap. Yet he wasn't quite fast enough, for Remus had seen him first - followed the trajectory of his sights - and they had been fixed directly upon him. But why? But before he could open his mouth to ask him, the quiet was broken by the boisterous entrance of one Hestia Jones, who made a beeline for Sirius, like a bee to a blossom, like a moth to a flame - so Remus stayed quiet instead, watching the girl with a jealous heart.

"Sirius, that was a bril move you made at practice today!" she praised him, clapping him most heartily upon the shoulder in a hail-fellow-well-met sort of way. "We should have no problem kicking Slytherin's arse at the game!"

"I should think not," Sirius replied in a mumble, paying no attention to her hand upon him. He was used to her forwardness, and tended to treat her as one of the boys, just another teammate.

"Sirius, you got a date for the Yule Ball yet?" Hestia chattered on, unaware that three heads picked up at that and were listening intently, one perhaps more intently than the others. "Ah, what am I on about? Of course you do. So, who you going with? Who is the lucky witch, eh, mate?" And she began to knowingly elbow him in the side, which he found to be most annoying, as he pulled away from her touch.

"Don't have one," he mumbled in irritation.

"Don't have one!" she gasped. "I am totally and completely shocked! Sirius Black dateless for i the /i social event of Hogwarts? Deary me, deary me, we can't have that now, can we?"

Sirius scowled at her as he became more and more interested in the DADA book upon his lap. He said something rather unintelligible that might have been piss off, but luckily she couldn't understand his growling.

"Oh!" she said suddenly, "where is my mind? I have something for you Remus," and she began to fumble in her pockets.

"For me?" Remus blinked in confusion.

"Yus," she replied, as she pulled out a sealed envelope with Remus' name carefully written upon it. "I got it from someone who got it from someone else who got it...I dunno, you get the idea, but it's for you," as she handed it to him. Sirius blanched at the sight of that evil looking missive - what else could it be but another one of i those /i letters? The ones that were losing him any chance of being with Remus Lupin.

"Here you go," she said, holding it out to the boy, only to have it intercepted by a suddenly alert James Potter. No difference to her, her work here was done. "Well, I'm off to the library, I think Marlene is meeting me there for some studying. Sirius, I've not been asked to the Ball yet either. And yes, that's a hint," she grinned at him, even as she ruffled his hair, to his great annoyance, although her words failed to connect as by now all his attention was centered on Remus, and on the letter in James' hand.

"James, please give me that," an irate Remus was attempting to wrest control of it from James. But puppet Peter had added himself to the equation and playfully held his friend's hands so that he could not grab for it. Of course Remus was stronger than either one of them, but that was something he didn't dare openly show before others, and they were not alone in the Common Room, after all. So all he could do was to fume and stew as James opened the parchment and began to read:

i Dear Remus, I know this is rather bold, as you don't really know who I am, but I would love to go the Yule Ball with you. Perhaps we could meet there? I know you won't know which one I am, but I will certainly know you, as you are the handsomest boy at Hogwarts.

(signed) Your Secret Admirer XOXO

"Here, what does xoxo spell?" James looked up, baffled, "I don't know any word like that, do you? How would you pronounce that even?"

Remus took advantage of his friend's confusion to snatch the letter from James' hand, at the same moment that Lily Evans chose to enter the Common Room, a graceful vision indeed, her arms piled with books, and a bemused expression upon her face. She took in the current situation at a glance, having apparently heard James' last words and seeing what lay in Remus' grasp. "It's not a word," she laughed, "it's how some people say hugs and kisses at the end of a letter. Sort of like an abbreviation or shorthand, you know?"

No, obviously neither boy knew. Nor did Sirius. And he was far from pleased at receiving this information.

"Got a new letter, eh Rem?" Lily asked, taking a chair, and setting her books within reach about her, as she glanced at the boy inquisitively. Sirius burned inside at her sudden familiarity with i his /i boyfriend. All right, maybe not. But, still... "What does this make, three now? Someone seems rather serious about you."

"Yeah, and it's not even Sirius," Peter joked, making an oft-repeated pun on their friend's name. James and Lily obligingly laughed, but not so much as a chortle from Remus or Sirius.

"Well, looks like Remus is all set for the Yule Ball," James commented significantly, darting a glance at a certain redhead. "That leaves just me and Sirius unaccounted for, apparently." As Peter had managed to squeak out a request to a fourth year Puff that had been happily accepted. "What about you, Miss Evans?"

"What about me?" Lily asked, rather coyly, Sirius thought. He glanced at her sharply. Her attention seemed to be far too focussed on Remus for his taste.

"Have you procured a date for the big event?" James asked, hanging on the girl's response, Peter's attention having wandered back to his stomach.

"That remains to be seen," she gave an enigmatic reply, opening a textbook as if the subject of discussion were of no great interest to her. But it only fed Sirius' suspicions and served to darken his mood. Slamming shut the DADA book, accidentally enclosing his thumb in the process, which only served to exacerbate his anger and caused him to yelp in pain, Sirius jumped up as if he'd been scalded, and proceeded to sweep out of the room in a huff. They could hear the Fat Lady giggling at his hasty exit, calling after him, "Ooh, it's the sexy one, woohoo!" but if he made any reply, it was unintelligible to them.

Remus heaved an internal sigh, wondering if perhaps Sirius was behaving erratically because he fancied Lily, and he wanted to take her to the Yule Ball, and was concerned about James' possible reaction. If only...if only...if only Remus had the nerve to tell Sirius how he felt, to make his declaration of love, to ask him to go out with him, to have a relationship with him. But no, Remus was a coward, and he was certainly not good enough by far for the reigning sex god of Hogwarts. He returned to his book reluctantly. Some of the pages had flipped on him, and he found himself staring at a love potion, one involving frozen ashwinder eggs. And he blushed profusely at the very idea, even as he wished he had the nerve, as his fingers hastily sought and found his proper place once more.

"You know my offer still stands," James said mysteriously, rising from his position on the couch and nonchalantly stretching.

"I suspected as much," Lily replied in a most noncommittal manner, not bothering to look up.

"Come on, Pete, let's you and me get some food," James declared loudly. Up jumped Peter eagerly, excited at the prospect of not only eating but spending time with his hero, and the two boys exited the Common Room, in a more decorous manner than their colleague before them, James running a casual hand through his thick hair for good effect. Which was not lost on Lily Evans, although she did not show it. Once they had gone, she glanced at Remus, watching his struggles to study, when he was obviously perturbed by what was going on. But she kept her counsel to herself and waited to see how the story would unfold...


	3. Will the Secret Be Revealed?

TITLE: Secret Admirer

AUTHOR: Lady Sirius

PAIRING: RL/SB

RATING: NC17

FEEDBACK: Of course all rights to Harry Potter belong to JK Rowling

- I only wish that Sirius and Remus were mine, other than in my heart!

DEDICATION: To my glorious, talented, wondrous and everlastingly sexy

inspiration - Gary Oldman - and to my Remus - Amber - for whose friendship and devotion I shall be everlastingly grateful.

Secret Admirer

Chapter Three - Will the Secret Be Revealed?

The closer the date of the Yule Ball approached, the surlier that Sirius Black grew. Surly and petulant. To the point where even talking to him was taking a major gamble on being growled at. James had finally persuaded Lily to accompany him to the dance, which did little to assuage Sirius' suspicions regarding her and Remus, and the sight of James prancing about the Common Room, crowing about the redhead and mussing up his hair even more in his exultation, was enough to cause Sirius to go stomping off to the dorm, scowling. Which only served to cause Remus to take refuge behind his books, miserable and thoroughly baffled as to what was upsetting Sirius, and supposing it to be Lily's apparent unavailability.

Every day that passed, Sirius himself received ever increasing numbers of invitations to the Yule Ball, wrapped up in neat rolls of parchment which were prettily tied and left in strategic locations for him to find - at the Gryffindor table, in the Common Room, in the classroom - and some bold soul had gone so far as to place one upon his very bed, which only twisted the knife in Remus' gut a little more, and annoyed the hell out of Sirius. "Why don't you take one of them?" Remus shakily suggested, to hide his own desires in the matter, afraid that if he didn't make some such comment it might look suspicious. "I mean, just pick the one you like best, and ask her. Which one i do /i you like best?" He tried not to sound too jealous, tried not to say Lily's name, but the plucking at his heartstrings was fierce, and the wolf within was raging. He suppressed the feelings as well as he could, balling his hands up into fists inside his robe pockets.

The two boys stood together within the meager space that existed between their beds, Sirius holding the offending missive as if it were poisonous. He looked up in surprise at Remus' words, and their eyes locked mutely. i You. You're the one I like best /i Sirius thought to himself, but aloud he said, "Do you think I should?"

"Why not?" Remus tried to sound non-chalant, unaware of how miserably he failed in his attempt. "Any one would be honored to go with you to the Ball, Siri. You could have your choice of anyone..."

"Anyone?" Sirius repeated, parrotlike, taking an involuntary step toward Remus, wondering if he had the nerve to say the words which were threatening even now to spill from his lips.

"Uh huh," Remus managed to breathe, beginning to sway toward the taller darkhaired boy, as if being moved by some sort of divine providence.

"Remus..." Sirius began...

... when at that moment fate, in the form of James Potter and Peter Pettigrew intervened, as the two boys came barreling through the doorway, laughing, and the moment was irretrievably broken. They each glanced up irritably, mirroring one another's feelings, and with great trepidation each beheld the sight of a piece of parchment in James' hand which he was holding out toward Remus.

"Another one, mate!" he announced unnecessarily, even as Peter exhorted, "Read it, read it, read it!"

Before Remus had the presence of mind to respond, Sirius had snatched it from James' hand and was devouring its contents, his eyes growing darker and narrower as he read, until at last he threw the parchment toward Remus, stifling a moan and, pushing his way between James and Peter, made a hasty exit.

An ashen Remus Lupin made no move to retrieve the fallen missive, staring after Sirius, open-mouthed and distraught. James picked it up, while Peter commented, "What's gotten into him?"

James began to read,

i Dear Remus,

The fact that you have asked no one else to the Ball tells me that you wish to be with me as much as I wish to be with you. I'll meet you inside the Great Hall at the stroke of nine o'clock by the punch bowl. You'll know me by the purple rose I wear. Until then, I remain

(signed) Your Secret Admirer /i 

"I think this is what has gotten into him," James said, more astutely than he realized. Remus flushed a bright red at the implication.

"You know how Sirius is, he doesn't like mysteries, he likes being in control of whatever's going on," he insisted, snatching the letter from James' hands and ripping it into small pieces. "This is ridiculous. I'm not about to make a date with someone I don't even know."

"I think it's romantic," Peter said, "I think you should at least find out who it is, since you don't have a date anyway, do you?"

"That's beside the point," Remus protested, and the wolf inside howled for him to run after Sirius, to ask him to the Ball - now! And for once he was thinking of actually listening to that voice. "And besides... I mean... oh blast it, I've got something to take care of, I'll talk to you later," and he ran out the door without another wasted word. James and Peter were left exchanging baffled glances.

Sirius was racing through the Common Room, not knowing or caring who else might be there, when he suddenly plowed into the solid figure of Hestia Jones, who reacted by grabbing him quickly, holding on for both their sakes' lest they tumble to the ground. Good thing she was a rather sturdy girl. "Where's the fire, Sirius?" she laughed.

Sirius' eyes were already stinging from unshed tears and he wanted nothing more than to go out to the quidditch pitch and release his frustration in flying. Hestia's presence was rather annoying, at the moment, therefore. She was among those who was petitioning for him to escort her to the Yule Ball. "Hestia, please let go," he said, "I was just going out..."

She released him slightly from the bear hug she had him in, but recognizing an advantage when she had one - namely, that Sirius seemed to be a bit distracted at the moment - she decided to press her luck. "Sirius, will you go the Yule Ball with me?"

Sirius was upset and hurt, his mind whirling with the thought of Remus and his secret admirer, together, at the Yule Ball, his heart was weary and sore and altogether confused, and at first Hestia's words didn't register. But then they began to pierce the fog that was his brain, and he realized what she was saying - and why not? It wasn't like he had a chance to do what he really wanted to do anyway.

i I'm going to do it /i Remus told himself, i I'm going to ask Sirius to the Yule Ball /i . He took a deep breath, as he wondered just how he was going to phrase the question. i Say, Sirius, since neither one of us has a date, do you want to go together? /i No, that implied a casualness which the occasion did not warrant. i Sirius, would you like to be my date? /i . Bolder, but could he pull that one off? He began to warm at the thought, gathering the nerve to actually speak the words just as he reached the Common Room - just in time to hear Hestia's question and Sirius' answer -

"Yeah, sure," Sirius answered. Whatever. Why not? He never saw the painful expression which crossed Remus' face, or even realized that he was there, for the lycanthrope did an immediate turnabout and ran back up the stairs to the dorm, while Hestia continued to grip Sirius in her excitement. "Hestia, please," he said, disentangling himself from the overenthusiastic girl. She went flying up the stairs to the girls' dorms, while Sirius stood there for a moment, a stricken expression on his face, and from the shadows near the fire, Lily Evans observed it all, without comment.

The next day saw three glum young men sat together upon the couch in the Gryffindor Common Room. Not a word was being exchanged between them, lost as they were in their own thoughts and problems.

James was castigating himself on being a right proper boob - he had managed to piss off Lily royally with a prank gone awry(the result of attempting it with only Peter for backup; it had gone horribly wrong and he was caught and given detention, although Peter managed to slip away) and she had rescinded her acceptance of his invitation to the Yule Ball, declaring that Peeves would make a better date than James would. Sirius was wondering what he had gotten himself into with Hestia - the news of her winning the right to be his date having spread through the school faster than nutella on a warm pancake - and he was convinced that Lily had called off her date with James in order to be with Remus. Remus was wishing he were simply non-existent, for the one person he cared about didn't even realize it and he had lost him to someone else, obviously.

So when Peter Pettigrew came strutting into the room, looking like he'd swallowed the proverbial canary, took one glance at their sour faces and asked,"Who died?" in a rather unfeeling manner, it was no surprise that he was instantly pelted by everything and anything that was close at hand, and forced to retreat to the sancity of the kitchens.

The night of the Yule Ball arrived at last, for time marches inexorably and stops for no man. Since James was now bereft of a date, he talked Remus into going stag with him, bragging that they would then be free to do what they liked, whereas Sirius would be tied to Hestia's aprongstrings and Peter should simply be grateful he found a date. This made Sirius wince, and Remus' stomach knot up, but neither said a single word, nor made any comment, and James soon stopped baiting them in an attempt to hide his own chagrin at losing his date with Lily.

Sirius wore dress robes of a deep midnight blue, trimmed in silver, which brought out the depths of his dark eyes even more, while Remus found himself inexplicably with a new set of robes for the occasion - left anonymously on his bed, which did nothing to quench the fires of jealousy seething inside of Sirius - silver robes edged in midnight blue. He was reluctant to wear them, but then he realized that he might as well, they were nicer than anything he possessed, and if he were going at all - which apparently he was, according to James - he might as well do it right. When James asked Lily who she would be attending the Ball with, she turned up her nose at the boy and informed him that that was none of his concern. Which only increased Sirius' misery, as he was convinced more than ever that she and Remus were an item. Or would be shortly.

Sirius met Hestia just outside the Great Hall that night, and she was so excited at being with him that she never even noticed he'd not gotten her a corsage, or complimented her on her dress. She didn't care one whit as she latched onto his arm as they made their entrance together into the beautifully decorated and transformed ballroom, where the stars shone all about them, and "snow" fell from the ceiling, only to dissipate as it reached the floor. She saw the envious looks of the other girls as they saw Hestia and her handsome escort and she was also gratified at the look of chagrin on the face of one particular Hufflepuff boy whom she'd been dying to go out with all year. Maybe this would spur him into action. Not that she didn't like Sirius, of course, cause she did - but just as a friend. Sirius was oblivious to it all. His attention was affixed on the large timepiece on one wall, waiting for nine o'clock to arrive so that Remus' secret admirer would be revealed.

Sirius took Hestia out onto the dance floor, but his heart wasn't in it, as he covertly watched Remus - who was standing with James for the most part, or by himself when James chanced to obtain a dance partner. The werewolf made no move to dance himself, and spoke with no one. Other than Lily, that is, Sirius noticed, who seemed to be pointedly ignoring James and his antics.

As the hour drew closer to nine, Sirius noticed that Remus appeared to be drifting more and more toward the table which held the punch and other refreshments, and he himself was beginning to edge Hestia in that direction - the dratted girl had insisted on dancing with him, over and over and over, and he could find no reason not to - when there was a sudden inexplicable surge in dancers which swirled all about them even as he tried to make his way through them. He broke away from Hestia's embrace, as the clock began to chime the hour, desperate to find out who was claiming his wolf. "Excuse me," he told her, leaving her standing in the midst of the otherwise dancing throng, pushing through now, desperate to see what there was to see...

Just before he reached the table, something on the floor caught his eye. He stooped to pick it up - it was a purple rose, possessed of a rather fragile beauty, like Remus, and for a moment he held it softly within his palm, staring at it. And when he looked up, there was Remus himself, standing beside him, looking at the flower, looking at Sirius, obvious questions in his eyes. And then he saw Remus looking past him, his topaz eyes darkening, and Sirius turned to see Lily approaching. Of course it was her. Who else would it be? Who the bloody hell else?

"Sirius?" Remus' voice, hesitant, questioning. But Sirius was beyond hearing, for he was already moving away from the scene, not wishing to see any more, he'd seen enough, thank you. He missed the look of anguish which Remus shot after him, and the look of frustration from Lily - not to mention her exclamation of, "Bloody hell!" He even left Hestia standing on the dance floor without a word of explanation. All he could think of was getting away from everyone and everything. He was picking up speed now, exiting the castle, and running as hard as he could - away from all of this agony, headed toward the quidditch pitch.

Lily gained Remus' side easily. "Go after him!" she urged, in a low tone, meant only for Remus' ears. "You have to tell him..."

"Tell him what?" Remus asked in confusion.

"That you're in love with the ninny, and then he can tell you he's in love with you!" Lily exclaimed.

"What? You mean... that is...he was my secret admirer all along?"

"No, that was me, I was just trying to help, but I think it just backfired," Lily admitted apologetically, "go after him, he needs you!"

"But I don't know where he went," Remus cried in anguish, "and what makes you think he's in love with me?" He didn't bother to deny that he was in love with Sirius.

"Because I've been watching you both," Lily said, "and it's obvious to me. Now go!" And she gave him a gentle push.

A blushing Remus gave Lily a quick peck on the cheek, before he took off after the boy of his dreams, suddenly realizing the one place he was bound to be. Lily felt a hand fall upon her arm, turned to face one rather annoyed James Potter, but before he could protest she kissed his lips softly, to silence him, and suddenly words became unnecessary. At least for the moment.

Remus reached the quidditch pitch, glancing up into the sky, wondering if Sirius were perhaps flying. But no, there was no silhouette visible against the evening sky, which was good, cause he didn't even want to think about going up into the air after him. He turned toward the Grffindor stand, and there he spotted him - at the top, in the corner. He should have known right away that's where he'd be. Taking a deep breath, he nimbly climed the risers til he reached the pinnacle. There Sirius sat, his arms wrapped about his head, leaning back against the backdrop of the stands, his frame shaking with silent sobs. Remus couldn't bear to see him like that. He touched his arm gently. "Sirius... Sirius..."

Sirius started, glancing up through tear-filled eyes. It couldn't be... but it apparently was. But why was he here and not with his secret admirer? "Remy?" he choked out, "go on, she's waiting for you, you should be in there, not out here."

"She who, Sirius?"

"She Lily, your secret admirer. You know. I was there. I saw it, you don't have to hide it any more."

"My secret admirer? I thought you liked her," Remus said, frowning, "I thought that was why you've been so upset about this secret admirer thing, cause you want to go out with Lily?"

"Me go out with Lily? Are you daft?" Sirius cried, aghast. "I don't like her like that. I don't like any girl like that. I only like..." And he caught himself in time, before he could say the fateful words.

"Only like..." Remus prompted him, his heart in his throat.

"Nothing," Sirius mumbled, "go on, be with her..."

"I don't want to be with her," Remus insisted, "I want to be with you."

"With me?" Sirius couldn't believe his ears. "What did you just say, Remus Lupin?"

It had been hard to say it the first time, but the second time came more easily. "I want to be right here, with you, Sirius. That's all I've ever wanted. I don't like Lily either, not like that. Or any other girl. Only you...I only like you..." He didn't know what to say after that, but he didn't have to say anything, as Sirius' eyes widened, his heart drinking in the other boy's words. He rose to his full height - which for now was taller than Remus', but wouldn't always be - and before he lost the nerve he reached out for him, taking his lips in his own, and kissing him for all he was worth, which was quite a bit.

An electric shock surged between the two boys as their lips connected, a jolt which reverberated inside their very souls as they proceeded to wind their arms about one another and deepen the kiss.

"Remy," Sirius said, once he found the breath to speak, "I've been in love with you for a long time, but... I was afraid to tell you, afraid you'd laugh at me..."

"I'd never do that, Siri," Remus assured him solemnly, "I was afraid to tell you that I loved you. I mean, all those girls... the kissing... " He trailed off uncertainly.

"Meant nothing," Sirius said, "I didn't even like their kisses. But yours..."

"But mine...?"

"Yours was magic," Sirius sighed. "Can I kiss you again?"

Remus made no reply, simply offered his lips for the taking, and although it was December, and a damn cold one at that, neither boy noticed for a very very long time.


	4. Epilog Or is it?

TITLE: Secret Admirer

AUTHOR: Lady Sirius

PAIRING: RL/SB

RATING: NC17

FEEDBACK: Of course all rights to Harry Potter belong to JK Rowling

- I only wish that Sirius and Remus were mine, other than in my heart!

DEDICATION: To my glorious, talented, wondrous and everlastingly sexy

inspiration - Gary Oldman - and to my Remus - Amber - for whose friendship and devotion I shall be everlastingly grateful.

Secret Admirer

Epilogue (or is it?)

i An electric shock surged between the two boys as their lips connected, a jolt which reverberated inside their very souls as they proceeded to wind their arms about one another and deepen the kiss.

"Remy," Sirius said, once he found the breath to speak, "I've been in love with you for a long time, but... I was afraid to tell you, afraid you'd laugh at me..."

"I'd never do that, Siri," Remus assured him solemnly, "I was afraid to tell you that I loved you. I mean, all those girls... the kissing... " He trailed off uncertainly.

"Meant nothing," Sirius said, "I didn't even like their kisses. But yours..."

"But mine...?"

"Yours was magic," Sirius sighed. "Can I kiss you again?"

Remus made no reply, simply offered his lips for the taking, and although it was December, and a damn cold one at that, neither boy noticed for a very very long time. /i 

They finally came up for air, their lips swollen and beestung, their hearts much lighter, beautiful smiles gracing their faces, both talking at once.

"I wanted to ask you to the Ball..."

"I wanted you to ask me..."

"But Hestia..."

"But Lily..."

"I only agreed to go with Hestia because I thought I didn't have a chance with you," Sirius admitted sheepishly, "I was sure that you were in love with Lily, and that I'd lost you forever. I didn't really want to... and...oh Merlin!" he swore.

"What's the matter?" Remus frowned in concern.

"Hestia! I just walked out on her, she won't have any idea where I am! I need to tell her the truth, and apologize..."

"Why don't we go back to the dance then?" Remus suggested, "we can tell her... together... if you like?"

Sirius nodded, relieved. "Remy?"

"Yes, Siri?"

"Will you... I mean, would you... consider the possibility..." He looked shyly down at the ground, unsure just how to proceed, or what to say.

"I would love to dance with you," Remus said softly, as they swayed toward one another once more, mouths meshing in perfect harmony.

They walked back to the castle together, at a much more sedate pace than they had originally left it, fingers entwined, hearts beating in synchronicity. And their entrance was not lost on a certain redhead, who even now was wrapped in the embrace of one Mr. James Potter as they moved together in the dance. James, of course, was oblivious to everything but the girl he had finally inveigled into his arms, a goofy grin plastered upon his face. Lily smiled to herself, observing the linked hands of the two boys, a sure sign that all had certainly gone well with them, and that her good intentions had not ultimately gone awry. James looked up when he heard her chuckle, saw the two as well, his mouth dropping open slightly.

"Did I miss something?"

Lily smiled at him sweetly. "Nothing more than usual. Don't they look cute together?" And before he could say another word, she kissed him softly.

"Mmhmm," he replied, distracted by her lips, which was her intention.

Hestia too saw the happy couple, but who was she to argue with fate, as she floated upon the dance floor in the arms of her Hufflepuff boyfriend, who had taken the opportunity to approach her when he saw Sirius sprint out the door. She waved at Sirius to show him that all was well, no hard feelings.

"Well, I guess no explanations are necessary," Sirius commented to Remus, who nodded his agreement, giving Sirius his most radiant smile. As of one accord, the two boys walked together out onto the dance floor, finding a space for themselves within the dancing students. For a moment they looked at one another, as if unsure how to proceed, but they quickly sorted themselves out - Remus taking the lead, putting his arm about Sirius' waist, taking the darkhaired boy's hand in his, as they adjusted their steps to one another, beginning their dance.

At first they did get a few curious looks, there was no getting away from that, and perhaps not unreasonably so, as Sirius did have a reputation for being the hearthrob of Hogwarts. And more than a few girls sighed in dismay, watching the two boys entwine themselves so closely that it was more than apparent how they felt about one another. But the music continued, the novelty wore off, and life went on pretty much as before.

Except for one particular Slytherin, who watched enviously from the sidelines. How dare they be so happy when he wasn't allowed to publicly be with the one _he_ loved, when he dare not show his feelings, for the sake of the other boy, whose reputation would surely be ruined by such a revelation. Why had he even bothered to come to this thing, this farce, merely to torment himself, watching _his_ Lucius dancing with his acknowledged fiance? When it should be _his_ arms wrapped about the beautiful blonde, as it was when they were alone, in private, the rest of the world shut away?

Merlin, why was life so cruel?


End file.
